People used to always ask me what was wrong. I didn’t know how to just be without frowning. I’d get a haircut and the stylist would ask why was I sad. I didn’t want to be perceived as unhappy or sad. And now, I really want to show the world who I am. I don’t want to be seen as unhappy. I’m not.
I am quite silly. To some, probably obnoxious, to others hilarious. I want to be seen as that joyful person. I am full of joy. Joy for having a normal life. Joy for actually feeling normal. I know that normal is subjective. For me, normal is having a somewhat predictable life. Go to work, pick up kids, come home make dinner, husband comes home, bathe kids and clean up, go to bed. But I want to be more than just the predictable mom. I have a joyful, but structured life.
Growing up, nothing was predictable. My parents’ moods changed from one moment to the next. What was acceptable one day, was a mortal sin, the next. My Dad had money one day and none the next. We moved every six months to a year. Nothing was consistent. My longest relationship was a year long and my best friend and I had a few times of estrangement, so not even my personal life was normal or consistent. I continued these patterns of change and upheaval until I had Syd. She grounded me, made me focus on our future and provide her the stability I didn’t have.
So I am full of joy at what seems like the mundane. But, it is so exciting to me. Jeff comes home every night and we talk about our projects and the future. The children show us their latest tricks. While we are by no way perfect, I am perfectly happy with just being. We practically do the same thing week in and week out. After twenty years of the unknown, let me tell you how joyful I am at the thought of predictability.
So I am occasionally told to smile by my boss when I am frowning at my computer screen, but in general I try to walk around with a permanent smile. Even on my worst day, it is far better than what it could be. My worst day was probably losing my dad. But, it was the day that I reconnected with family, and the day that Jeff had a professional break through, so it was bitter sweet. And it led to me writing a short story about him and we just finished shooting the film adapatation of my story. Sometimes I get into it with family or go months without being spoken to by someone, but at least it’s not years. As long as I can find that “at least” to every situation, I can find a way to smile throughout the day.
My Daily Prayer: Thank you God for not only showing me the “at least” in every situation, but for showing me the most. Thank you for helping me to make the most of most everything. AMEN!
When I Have Kardashian Kash: I really need a llama. I need some baby llama drama in my life.
Tomorrow- Thankful Thursday